Today we’re talking about how to manage tense moments in your paid communities.
Before we get into the nuts and bolts of how to resolve moments of conflict in your community when they pop up AND how to prevent them from happening in the first place…I want to talk about WHY this topic is important to me.
Growing up, I was taught that conflict was bad and should be avoided at all costs. Of course, this didn’t eliminate conflict from happening – it created an environment that felt like a pressure cooker where someone could explode at any given moment, and sometimes that someone was ME.
As a young woman, I learned that the expectation of me was that I should smooth things over at all costs and that if I wasn’t able to make someone feel better – that was my fault and that I was responsible FOR the way other people felt.
If you are listening, there’s a good chance that you were expected to do the same. Smooth things over, make people happy, and solve everyone’s problems for them.
Well, guess what…that doesn’t work out so well in the long run.
And if you are an online course creator – it’s an impossible expectation to meet.
The reality is you will ALWAYS have at least one person inside your community that is unhappy at any given moment. That is not a reflection on YOU, that is just life.
Humans don’t feel happy all the time. Sometimes, we feel frustrated, angry, upset, confused, and on and on.
Those are normal, healthy emotions.
If someone in your community is upset, it’s not YOUR responsibility to “fix them” or “make them feel better”. It is your responsibility to hear them out and to then determine the next best course of action.
Let’s talk about what these “tense moments” look like and WHY they appear to be happening more frequently.
We live in a society that worships perfection. If you are perfect, you are good. If you are imperfect, you are bad. Perfect feelings are happiness, joy, confidence. Imperfect feelings are shame, confusion, and sadness.
Oftentimes, when people (including your students), feel what they classify as “imperfect” or “negative” emotions – they feel shame.
They feel like something is “wrong” with them because they aren’t 100% happy, confident, and perfect.
If they’re feeling ashamed, they may choose to enter The Drama Triangle. You can learn MORE about The Drama Triangle inside Episode 4 of The Caitlin Bacher Show.
Now, WE as community leaders cannot control whether someone else does or doesn’t choose to enter The Drama Triangle…HOWEVER, we do have a choice as to whether or not we will join them.
It’s not fair for us to act like WE’RE the victim, or to BLAME the student, or to try to rally others around ourselves to prove that WE are right.
That’s not helping anything!
I run a group coaching program called Scale with Success® and inside our client community, a number of clients have shared that they seem to be having MORE of these moments of conflict in their own student communities than usual.
So, if you’ve been feeling the same way…you’re definitely not alone.
Of course, there’s a lot happening right now. Not only is this a year that we are dealing with a once in a century global health crisis, it’s also a year that many white people have woken up to the realities of systemic racism. Oh yeah, AND it’s an election year. It’s a lot.
I think it’s fair to say that collectively, we have experienced an increase of discomfort in 2020.
Now, we have an opportunity to choose whether to GROW from that discomfort, or to just avoid it at all costs and pretend it isn’t happening.
Let’s dive into some actions YOU can take when moments of conflict occur inside your community.
Step #1: Recognize your role is to listen.
It is not your job to change someone’s mind or to prove that YOU are right and THEY are wrong. I mean their feelings are their feelings! If they feel frustrated or upset, then that’s what they feel – and that’s ok. It’s not your job to “fix them” or to “change the way they feel”.
Your role and your team’s role is to LISTEN and make sure you have all the information so you can make an informed decision about the next best course of action.
I can pretty much guarantee that having a 1:1 conversation with the person who is upset will be more fruitful outside of a Facebook group. When other people chime in to agree or disagree, it creates a lot of distraction and makes it more difficult to get the information you need to make a decision about what to do next.
So, it’s important for you or your team to let them know you want to discuss further in a 1:1 conversation.
If you are feeling defensive, try reminding yourself that your role here is to listen – NOT to argue or defend. Be curious and get as much information as you can.
Make sure to confirm that you are actually “hearing” what they’re saying by asking, “I want to make sure I understand. These are the main points that I’m hearing from you. Please let me know if I understand correctly.”
Step #2: Determine the next best course of action.
In the 1:1 conversation that either you or your team are having with the student, you may determine that you need some time to choose the next best course of action.
They might expect you to have a perfect plan immediately and YOU might expect that of yourself as well – but, it’s not realistic.
You need to give yourself some time to fully consider all possible solutions. You may even need to meet with other people who may be responsible for implementing the solution. For example, you can’t promise a magic solution just to make them feel better, when you haven’t mapped out whether or not that’s actually something you and your team can deliver.
So, what can you do to prevent these moments of conflict in your community?
Well, the goal should not be to prevent them entirely as that is not realistic or healthy. Remember, negative emotions are nothing to be afraid of and any plan meant to eliminate negative emotions is likely rooted in perfectionism.
Creating a set of community guidelines and sharing them with your new student during their onboarding process and for the duration of your program goes a long way when it comes to communication.
In our paid communities, our guidelines specifically indicate how we intend clients to interact and we clearly explain WHAT they are expected to post.
We write:
Please make sure your post adheres to one of the following three categories.
1. #ASK Asking for help when you need it is a big part of being successful in this program. Everyone in this community has been exactly where you are now, so don’t feel weird about asking questions.
2. #WIN It’s crucial that you share any wins you have with the community. These wins inspire others and we want to cheer you on.
3. #SHARE As you make your way through the program, you are bound to have some major “AHA!” moments. Please share these inside the community. Your AHA may very well inspire someone else’s.
Communicating this expectation clearly and frequently ensures that FEWER people will use the group as a vehicle to vent.
Finally, please extend some grace to yourself and those in your communities during this time.
Let them know you are not perfect and that THEY do not have to be perfect in order to experience their desired result in your program. Their ability to get results does not hinge on your ability to be perfect. You will send out wrong links sometimes, you will sometimes dip your toe into The Drama Triangle, you WILL make mistakes.
It’s all an opportunity for learning and growth, if you ALLOW it to be.
So, what is YOUR #1 takeaway from today’s episode? Send me a DM on Instagram or join my FREE Facebook group and let me know!
Today’s episode is brought to you by Scale With Success® Accelerator — an online course designed to help you generate launch-sized revenue without lanching. If you want to learn MORE about our proven method for success, click here to watch my free masterclass. See you in there!