I was first introduced to the concept of The Drama Triangle a couple years ago when I was researching WHY some people were…well…DRAMATIC.
I noticed that some of the course creators I’d been chatting with on Instagram seemed to be stuck in a “woe is me” mindset that was preventing them from moving forward and achieving the success they desired.
These were good people who had great courses. People who really cared about the results of their students. People who were caring humans who wanted success, but kept letting tiny setbacks derail them.
I wanted to learn WHAT CAUSED some people to slip into this way of being and HOW I could shift their perspective so they could move forward.
Little did I know that my research would soon lead me to realize all the ways I was doing THE SAME thing in my own life.
The Drama Triangle is a framework created by Dr. Stephen Karpman back in the 1960’s to illustrate the roles people take on when dealing with conflict. Those roles are Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.
Today I’m going to share how to shift yourself OUT of The Drama Triangle and into a role that will get you where you want to go.
So, let’s start with the first role, Victim.
Please note that there are people in life that are dealing with REAL life or death situations and who have ACTUALLY been victimized in some way and are doing the best they can to change things.
In this episode, I am NOT talking about people like that. I am talking about people who choose to play the ROLE of victim. People who are CHOOSING to suffer because they WANT to create a big fuss in the hopes that someone will come and rescue them.
If you listened to Episode 1 of The Caitlin Bacher Show, I share a PRIME example of a time when I was choosing to play Victim.
I kept telling my husband, my daughter, my team, and pretty much anyone who would listen that I was working SO HARD and I felt SO TIRED. People would say, “Oh, poor Caitlin. She’s tired and such a hard worker.”
Then one night at dinner one of my coaches said, “Why are you choosing to work so hard and be tired all the time?”
WHATTTTT???
I tried to “explain” to him that there was NOTHING to be done about my exhaustion because I HAD TO LEAD so many projects.
Then he suggested I hire someone to lead those projects.
WHATTTTTT????
Again, I tried to explain to him that there were no solutions for my exhaustion. I couldn’t hire someone to lead those projects because I was TOO TIRED to hire someone.
I spent the night trying to prove to him that I was right. Despite the fact that I claimed to be “tired”, I sure had plenty of energy to argue for my limitations!!
In that instance, I was playing the ROLE of Victim.
When we are in the ROLE of Victim we need to shift ourselves out of circumstance and into possibility by stepping into the role of Creator.
The quickest way to shift yourself out of Victim and into Creator is to ask yourself: What do I want to create?
You see, a Creator takes FULL responsibility for creating the desired outcome. They see themselves as Capable, Confident, and Resilient.
They don’t SEE themselves as a Victim, EVEN IF they have in fact been victimized!
Creators know that if something isn’t going the way they want, they need to let it go or make a change.
So, the next day, after my long night of playing the victim over dinner and dessert, I stepped into the role of Creator.
I asked myself, What do I want to Create?
The answer was clear and I then sat down with my Integrator to create a plan to make it happen.
The SECOND role that you may find yourself playing from time to time is the role of Rescuer.
Rescuers are always on the lookout for someone who is looking to play the role of Victim so they can “rescue” them from perceived harm.
One of the classic ways this role has shows up for many course creators is when someone on your team makes a mistake.
We’ve all been there.
You hire someone to do something, they make a mistake, and they come to you and say “I messed up. What should I do?”
So, what do we ALL do when that happens?
We say, “I’ll fix it.”
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll email the client back.”
“I’ll fix the landing page.”
“I’ll re-segment my mailing list.”
In the short term, this seems like the EASIEST solution – but, if you are looking to build a high performance team I can assure you it’s the WORST thing you can do.
Instead of taking on the role of Rescuer, shift into the role of Coach and ask yourself, “What can I do to support them in their OWN learning?”
The role of Coach is NOT always comfortable. For example, when my daughter was learning how to tie her shoes, I DESPERATELY wanted to rescue her.
I would stand over her, the clock ticking, school starting soon, and it took everything I had to NOT step in and tie them for her.
Mommy to the rescue!!
IF I did it for her, would she ever learn to do it herself?
Imagine how your team member would feel if INSTEAD of rescuing them, you asked them what solutions THEY would propose to fix the mistake? Imagine how they would feel once they were able to have an adult conversation with you, implement the proposed solution, and SOLVE THE PROBLEM!
Would that make THEM feel confident, capable, and resilient? You betcha.
Would those positive feelings create an environment where they felt supported and where you felt optimistic that you were growing a team that was capable of figuring things out?
Playing the role of Coach allows you to empower others through inquiry! Yes, it will be a temporary blow to your ego when you have to stow your Rescuer cape in the cupboard, but being a Rescuer is not going to get you where you want to go.
The third role we take on while inside The Drama Triangle is Persecutor. A Persecutor thrives in environments where they are given a stage to blame others.
Like the Victim, the Persecutor chooses not to take any responsibility for their current situation and would much rather find someone or something to blame for their current troubles.
Persecutors say things like, “It’s all your fault” or “You made me do this!”
The quickest way to shift yourself OUT of the Persecutor role and INTO the role of Challenger is to ask yourself, “How did I contribute to this?”
WHOA. That’s loaded. Again, not always an easy thing to ask yourself, but ESSENTIAL to moving forward and achieving the success you desire.
The truth is that you have no control over how someone chooses to behave, but you DO have control over how YOU choose to behave.
Blaming others is just a waste of time and a distraction from accepting personal responsibility for your life.
Sometimes when I bring up this notion of “personal responsibility” people seem to think I am suggesting that you blame yourself or beat yourself up about why things didn’t go your way.
Taking responsibility for the way in which you contributed to a situation is NOT the same thing as shaming yourself.
Shaming yourself allows you to play the role of Victim and hope someone rescues you – taking responsibility allows you to identify what went wrong and create a path forward. It’s called LEARNING.
IF you recognize yourself in the role of Persecutor, Victim, or Rescuer right this second…GREAT! This is an opportunity to PRACTICE shifting yourself out of that state. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at it and soon it will become a habit.
So, tell me, as you were listening to this podcast – did you RECOGNIZE yourself in any of the roles of Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor? Which one?
Follow me on Instagram @caitlinbacher and slide into my DMs to tell me all about it!
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Thanks so much and make sure to tune in next week for another episode of The Caitlin Bacher Show.
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